Deep down I knew it would take me a little bit longer than most to get pregnant. I am not proud of my lack of faith, but that’s how my whole life has been. Always “being still”, and that’s fine. Everything that I have had to wait for has been incredible. But this one scared me a little.
When CP and I were married for a year (September 2013) we decided to stop preventing and just see what happened. I am a planner, and I get a little bit of anxiety about finances, so I wanted to make sure we were prepared for when we did have a baby. My company doesn’t offer paid maternity leave, so I checked into short term disability. When using short term disability for maternity, the policy has to be in effect for 3 months before you get pregnant. So, we needed to prevent for a little bit longer. That put us a “start baby making” date of January 2014.
People don’t really talk about their struggle conceive. All I ever heard was the “ooopsies” and “I can’t believe it happened”. You hear all these stories about people getting pregnant on birth control and other contraceptives. So when 3 months went by, I started to get a little antsy, but I heard that is normal. I put on a brave face and kept saying, it’s fine. We are busy, it will happen soon. If I’m being honest, it wasn’t fine. Every person around me was getting pregnant with no problems, no worries. It was hard.
Then 6 months went by, then 8 months. My annual appointment with the gyno was in November, but I decided to get into see an internalist, just to get some blood work taken and make sure everything was OK! I had been tracking my temperature and noticed that it was consistently 96-97. I just felt like something was off.
All of my results came back from the internalist perfect. I had absolutely nothing wrong with me. That shouldn’t have been frustrating, but it was. The only advice the doctor gave was, “why don’t you just go away for the weekend and relax.” Uh, thanks for that. Very helpful. I just wasn’t ready to see a fertility specialist yet, going there really meant you were having infertility problems.
So, that November I had my gyno appt. She said everything was great. I even had a sonogram done, and they saw eggs. Everything was looking up. But I still wasn’t pregnant and I was creeping up on a year. I still had the feeling that something wasn’t right.
Enter a glimmer of hope! My mom has been seeing a specialist in my home town for years for her hormones. Since no one else wanted to check them, I made an appointment with him. This doctor looks at the entire body, hormones, diet, sleep. I finally felt like someone was listening to me. After all of my blood was taken, and I did a disgusting hormone test. I had answers. My body doesn’t produce progesterone. My uterus was like a tin can, everything was just bouncing from wall to wall in there.
(I also found out I have chronic mono and I am allergic to milk…besides the point)
I wish I could put into words what I feel each month that it doesn’t happen. The emptiness, the pain, the sadness. The anxiety I get when I know someone else is pregnant. The questions I have. We have one more thing to do before going to a fertility specialist, but for now, at least we have some hope!!